The Home Owners Association
by duckiesrule
Summary: In which Derrick has dry humping reindeer and obscene lights to defy the HOA and have his own christmas cheer on their front lawn.


"Derrick what did you do?"

Asked Claire _Lyons _soon to be Harrington -if Derrick ever go around to asking her as she looked at the yard in wonder.

"I couldn't beat them, so I just did as they asked," he told her grinning at the yard with a look that could only be described as pride and insanity.

"No, you just used every theme they've requested over the years in one big throw up known as our yard."

"But its beautiful, and I know the HOA will be proud, I mean how could they hound on us for this?"

"We'll be tackiest lawn - they'll increase our neighborhood fee, _again_."

"Don't be mellow dramatic! Come on lets go inside I have to show you the best part,"

he grabbed her hand and dragged her into their home. "Look out the window!" With a roll of her blue eyes, Claire looked out the living room window, and her mouth gaped open as she saw their lawn be transferred from tacky to trashy, all the while Derrick laughed madly. And she swore she could see his blonde hair transforming before her eyes, as random hairs stood out for the effect. The HOA wouldn't have his ass they would have hers. How had this started again?

**A few days ago **

"Yes, Ms. Davis, I will be sure to tell Derrick the theme this year before he sets up decorations." Claire smiled at the neighborhood ladies as they held their monthly meets for The Home Owners Association.

"Sweetheart, remember we look down upon the inflatables he insists on installing," Claire only smiled meekly and tried her best to not roll her eyes.

She hated living in a private neighborhood, she preferred the apartment in the city, Derrick and herself had previously shared, but he liked the domestics. And it wasn't like they couldn't afford a home in New York, but with ladies like Ms. Davis, it was hard to not want to claw her eyes out. Especially when the talk of 'living in sin' came about. Really, when they had sex it was never _that _loud.

"No of course not, I'll make sure the snowman, reindeer, Santa, and the grinch stay safely stored in our attic."

"Good, good, so its settled committee, our theme for our decoration will just be simple lights, and tasteful Disney characters."

There was a murmur of approval and the meeting was over. Half of the participants left and the other half stayed to enjoy the 'refreshments'. Claire was tempted to stay for Ms. Henry's famous chocolate chip brownies but staying would call for socialization among the ladies and she did not want that. Not today. She tried to sneak off, really she did. Mrs. Harris was like a ninja she came out of nowhere and grabbed Claire's attention.

"Claire you look stunning, right ladies?" Claire looked down at her outfit, jeans and a plaid shirt, with her hair rolled in a messy bun, yes very stunning.

"Thank you, Janice, but I must be going, Derrick needs me to start dinner."

"Sweetheart its only lunch, stay with us ladies we need to chat." The way she said chat was like poison.

"Alright but only for a little bit, I really must get going." She sat down with the other women at the table, they all looked at her. They didn't hesitate to ask what was on their minds.

"When are you and Derrick getting married, I mean back in my day it was looked down upon to be sharing a home for over two years and not be married, I mean the adultery!" Mrs. Wheeler started up first, and the other ladies quickly hopped on the bandwagon.

"Look if this conversation is not about lights or whatever then I'm leaving," with a huff Claire stood up and she walked out.

Ignoring all their protests, nosy vapid harpies she thought to herself. She made a quick walk down three streets to reach her and Derricks 'home', though it was more of an estate.

Seriously what would they do with all the room?

She opened the door to be greeted by their dogs - Sadie and Cappo. The dogs walked around her as she made her way towards the kitchen, and with mild annoyance she saw their house was already in full festive cheer. Every year, apartment or home Derrick would go overboard with decorations - it was his favorite time of the year after all. Mistletoes were hanging over every archway, he had hung reefs on the staircases, started hanging stockings, hanging lights around the windows and the list went on and on.

Goodness Gracious, it was like this every year.

She was surprised Cappo and Sadie had yet to be 'decorated' - ie had yet to be Santa-ized, Derricked loved to dress them up. The dogs hated it.

"_Its the most wonderful time of year!" _His smooth tenor was coming from the kitchen, and she could nearly smell the cookies he was making.

Gingerbread?

"Claire!" His brown eyes twinkled with happiness as he saw her. She smiled as she saw that flour had gotten on his cheek.

Christmas brought out the child in Derrick and it made her love him all the more.

She walked over to him and tried to rub the flour off as he pouted at her. "lips," he said simply.

She complied as she always did.

"How was the meeting?"

"_Wonderful," _she spat.

"Ouch, come on Claire, be merry, whats our theme?"

"Lights and light touches of Disney," Derrick's face crinkled.

"Thats it?"

"What else, we live in a neighborhood full of old people Derrick, they like simple, and they hated what you did last year."

He guffawed, "it wasn't that bad, they left it open if I recall correctly, so I could choose just about anything."

"You had inflatables, Santa on our roof, and lets not forget the snow machine, and I told you before they had wanted it to be tasteful."

"Make sure you just follow their guidelines this year, please."

"I don't think I can do that, you see I've already taken out our Baby Jesus and manger set from the attic, and it will go up!"

He left her standing in the kitchen with a confused look on her face and a sense of dread filling her stomach...It was only two days after the initial incident that she had Alicia over.

"I don't understand how you and Derrick can already be living in a home together, I mean you're both not even in your late twenties, hell just nearing the mid twenties, and Josh and I can barely stand living together now!"

"I don't know how to explain it, I mean you get used to it, I think having the house helps because there's enough space for us to do our own thing."

"Or maybe its his way of subtly hinting he wants the marriage."

"Its whatever, I don't want him to feel obligated." Alicia could only nod her head in understanding as she looked towards the stairs at the boxes cluttering the foot.

"What is Derrick doing?"

"Well, he's trying to beat the HOA."

Alicia only raised her eyebrow in response, "how does that work?"

"We have themes for Christmas decorations outside our houses every year, Derrick wants a baby Jesus theme, they want a lights and lite Disney theme. You can see where I'm going with this."

"A little." There was still confusion in Alicia's face.

Claire dryly said, "It would explain the Seven Dwarfs surrounding Baby Jesus around the manger."

"See I thought it was one of his idiosyncrasies the whole Dwarfs thing."

"I wish, you should have seen him when he saw the dwarfs around his manger, his face got so red and he yelled out 'Not my Baby Jesus!' since then he's been planning. What was funnier was the note they left behind with it _'Just our way of reminding you of the theme this year.' "_

"What do you mean planning?"

"He's plotting against the HOA nevermind the fact they can easily raise our fees, or do something extreme like call the police for this."

"I'm so glad Josh and I have an apartment."

"Yeah, well Derrick's talking Josh into this, who do you think is on the roof with him, helping him inflate and nail down the reindeer?" Alicia's eyes widened almost comically and Claire struggled to hold in her giggles.

"Fucking hell."

"You're lucky to live in an apartment, I remember those days, all Derrick did was hang a reef outside our door and some lights."

Alicia snickered, "but you love him for it, you love that he goes overboard with Christmas. He does bring you Christmas joy in more ways than one." She raised her eyebrows and wiggled them.

Their eyes locked for a few seconds before they busted out laughing, "goodness, you need to come visit more often Leesh, I miss you."

"I know, I miss you too, this is why I enjoy coming over, sharing some hot chocolate and just laughing."

They were was a sudden pounding from on top of the roof and the girls quickly stopped reminiscing. They looked at each other for a quick second, Derrick and Josh getting together was never a good idea, they fed off of the other, and encouraged the other. It really wasn't a surprise when they got outside and saw Derrick hanging from the storm drain as Josh laughed wildly.

"I told you Harrington, you couldn't walk straight across the ledge."

Lord.

Claire lived with a three year old.

"Derrick do you need the ladder?"

"No! I got this, I figure I can just fall into our bushes!"

"The same bushes you never go near because you claim its too thorny."

Needless to say after a second of hesitation Derrick fell into the bushes, and promptly cried out for a bandaid.

.

.

.

"Deck the roof with boughs of holly!" Derrick sat on his roof hanging reefs all around, singing merrily to himself and enjoying this thermos of hot chocolate.

Yeah he was cool - no matter what Claire said otherwise.

"Mr. Harrington!"

His brown eyes peered down and looked into the black eyes of Mrs. Henry the president of the HOA?

"Yeah Mrs. Henry!"

"Don't yeah me, young man, I have a mind to speak with you."

"About?"

"I will not keep yelling to you, be polite and come down here to speak to your elders."

He grumbled to himself as he got down from the roof, lawd. Why had they moved here again?

"Mr. Harrington, I'm here to speak to you about your house!"

"I know it looks lovely doesn't it?" He pointed at his yard now covered in fake snow, inflatable Grinch, lighted reindeer, a Santa, and the baby Jesus set with the dwarfs kneeling around him. He was still not pleased about the dwarfs it was a crime against humanity. I mean really, they weren't polite enough to bear gifts.

"It looks gaudy, your 'decorations' are devaluing our neighborhood, take them down, now this will be your final warning before we take action."

"But Mrs. Henry, I still haven't put up the lights, they'll be going around the reefs on the roof, it will look so tasteful."

Her eyes widened and she held her tongue at his reply. "Very well, Mr. Harrington tell your _girlfriend _she can forget us reducing the HOA fees, and she's off the committee."

"Thats fine she never wanted to be on the committee with your crows anyway."

Mrs. Henry left with a humph, leaving Derrick on his lawn, alone.

He was screwed, Claire would kill him for this.  
>Fuck.<p>

The lawn needed music.

.

.

.

Ten days to Christmas.  
>The HOA always held a mini little festival thing for the houses and decorations Christmas eve...so nine days to decorate.<br>The house would be ready and the neighborhood would go up in lights!

He had this.  
>He would win.<br>He would go down in history if Claire would let him.

But that was besides the point. He would decorate, plan and wait.

.

.

.

"Yeah I need to order a special request for Christmas lights." He paused.

"About fifteen large boxes of lights, no make it fifty large boxes, and I don't want the small lights, I want the ones that are huge and have the bigger bulbs." He paused again.

"Perfect, I will pick them up tomorrow, no sir, Thank you." ...He wasn't crazy, truly.

Just because he was working at three am outside in below freezing weather, did not point to anything.

His lawn needed the over zealous lights all over the ground, and the extra Christmas tree he had purchased - all decorated and blasting music.

_'Have a holly jolly christmas!' _Maybe he could get the moving decorations with Santa waving his arm around, and the reindeer moving around. That would be amazing. No, a real Santa out on his lawn in his chair. Line up some kids to speak to him. It would drive the HOA nuts, not that this wouldn't. But his house was missing something.

He looked at his home from across the street.

At this point the home was covered in lights, the roof, window, doors, every space he would have hung them or nailed them down to - lights in every color were there. On the lawn he did have a lighted set of baby Jesus and the manger with the seven fucking dwarfs - it added charisma.

He has lights covering the lawn, lights on the bushes, christmas tree, inflatable - Santa, Snowman, Grinch, and Reindeer. Lighted - Santa and Reindeer. The fake snow that covered the ground below the lights. Something was off, and it wasn't the music he had playing by the tree.

No.  
>It needed more.<br>He was building an empire.

He needed penguins in hats with lights, candy canes, singing Swedish women, more lights. He had a lot to do and a short time to do it. Thank God, Walmart is opened twenty four hours.

.

.

.

For the third straight day Claire had awoken with no Derrick insight.

No sounds.

Nothing. Just quiet, and it made her nervous. She half expected him to jump out of his closet but it wouldn't happen. It was just so eerie.

She wasn't stupid, she knew Derrick was planning and scheming, hell Mrs. Henry had sent her an email telling her off. _"Keep that mongrel in control!" _What an old bat. But that was besides the point.

She needed to see how far Derrick had gone with his whole lawn scheme. He hadn't let her see it for three days straights, always ushering her out the back way, and driving her everywhere just to make sure she didn't glimpse at the lawn. Hell, he'd gone as far as taping over their windows, making sure she trespassed other people's lawns to get to her car down the street just so she wouldn't be a damn thing.

She was tired of this. And his scheming would it really too much to ask for just one normal Christmas? The bells she could hear from their driveway told her otherwise. She made a quick walk down the stairs and she would see their lawn, she was the lady of the house damnit! She had to approve.

"Where are you going?" She turned and saw Derrick, his face was blank, in his hands were two cups of coffee.

"I was just about to - to - to watch the living room television."

"Good, good, making sure you aren't trying to sneak a peek at my creation, its not ready yet, and you peeking would ruin the surprise." Did his eye twitch?

He handed her the coffee mug and he stepped outside..again. The sounds of the powerdrill quickly invading the living room.

Only six more days till Christmas Eve.

How much more could he do in that time?

.

.

.

Derrick paced around his lawn nervously he had two days. His little trails was about a foot of a pace since he had run out of room a long time ago.

In four days he had single handedly managed to tent off his entire yard - no one could peak any longer.

He had bought his penguins, singing plastic swedish ladies, a santa and reindeer set now on the roof, cover his entire roof with lights, buy a big lighted crown for his roof, get the tree wise men, two humping reindeer, and a big inflated Santa singing out HO HO HO. He had to keep his entire empire a secret for only two more days, two more days of the tent. And then he would show Claire and she would be his queen.

But first he had a neighborhood to decorate.

.

.

.

"I understand what he did was inexplicable and he was trespassing on private property as he did it."

_"I have never seen such disrespect in all my years Ms. Lyons, we will have to call the police soon if you do no call of Mr. Harrington!"_

"Ms. Henry, this is just a phase it will pass, I promise."

_"That man has caused such great grievances Ms. Lyons, I did not appreciate waking up to my lawn lighted in his horrendous lights and it spelling out 'suck it you bitch', I mean my word, keep him on a leash! And another thing the horrendous tent surrounding your yard."_

"I assure you it will be gone soon, its Christmas Eve it will be gone and he will be chastised for it."

_"No, that is not enough, the tent looks horribly tacky and I cannot imagine what is under that tent, especially with your roof looking the way it is, I mean really its godawful and he's added another Santa Clause showing his arse to the neighborhood." _

"Once again, please forgive us for the inconvenience Ms. Henry."

_"You must control that young man Ms. Lyons, he is your boyfriend!"_

"With all due respect Ms. Henry, I haven't been able to see my lawn for the past six days or so, not every woman is a soul sucking Harpy that can control an independent human being!"

_"My word, you will be getting a notice from the Board, we will have a tribunal on your future in his neighborhood, good day!"_

Claire threw the cordless phone to the ground in annoyance.

Damn Derrick, damn him to Hell. When would the madness end? Tonight was the annual neighborhood light up, and after the lights and decorations would go down. She could only hope that Derrick had not done the extreme. He was like a fucking Christmas Elf always working, she'd even had to call his employer to tell them he had a serious bought of Strep and would not be able to attend any meetings until after the holidays when his _high_ had finally come down.

Two more hours.

.

.

.

"Derrick what did you do?" Asked Claire _Lyons _soon to be Harrington -if Derrick ever go around to asking her as she looked at the yard in wonder.

"I couldn't beat them, so I just did as they asked," he told her grinning at the yard with a look that could only be described as pride and insanity.

"No, you just used every theme they've requested over the years in one big throw up known as our yard." "But its beautiful, and I know the HOA will be proud, I mean how could they hound on us for this?"

"We'll be tackiest lawn - they'll increase our neighborhood fee, _again_."

"Don't be mellow dramatic! Come on lets go inside I have to show you the best part," he grabbed her hand and dragged her into their home.

"Look out the window!" With a roll of her blue eyes, Claire looked out the living room window, and her mouth gaped open as she saw their lawn be transferred from tacky to trashy, all the while Derrick laughed madly.

And she swore she could see his blonde hair transforming before her eyes, as random hairs stood out for the eyes were twitching and she felt an urge to go get a pair of sunglasses from the blasts of light.

Their lawn was dancing, humping, singing, lighting, and hurting her fucking eyes. From her position in the window she could make out the shapes of the HOA their expressions were pure shock. Some eyes were narrowed. Their eyes burned her.

Derrick came up behind her. His brown eyes were sparkling and for a moment his mad scientist look was good and his face was covered in child like wonder.

"Beautiful right?" Did he want her to answer that.

"Uh sure..." He grabbed her hand and let her outside, the HOA still staring in wonder.

She looked at the roof and realized why. He had rearranged the lights so it would read - _"suck it bitches'. _

She could feel their eyes piercing at her.

Oh Good Golly.

They would have her ass.

But as Derrick slung one around around her, and she beheld their wonderfully tacky home she couldn't help but smile. The humping reindeer, the ice skating penguins, the baby Jesus and the seven dwarfs, the Santa's, snowmen, reindeer, christmas trees, lights and the list continued. Yep the feeling of her pride for Derrick stuck.

Until.

The entire power supply of the neighborhood went out and the some of the lights on their self electrocuted themselves.

.

.

.

"Hey Claire?"

"What Derrick?"

"Are you still mad?"

"I don't know, I haven't decided yet."

"Well...we got a letter from the HOA today they want you to go down and speak to the board. Oh and we owe five thousand in fees and repairs..."

Claire's eye twitched.

"You know something Harrington, you're going down there and explaining it yourself, if you're so afraid of my anger then go down there! I guarantee if you do that I won't be mad anymore."

_"_Well then FINE!"He left with a slam of their front door.

She smirked to herself as she walked down the street towards the Neighborhood clubhouse.  
>This was too good to miss.<br>Derrick vs. the HOA.

**End. This was just a random little oneshot that popped into my head. This is completely un-betaed so forgive me for all the mistakes.**


End file.
